Life After Losing My Son Suicide | Mentally Online

Hello, this is Rachel This is a vlog that I do where I talk about mental health. I Talk about losing my son Isaiah to depression. I talk about my own mental health issues that I’ve had before and After losing my son If you haven’t already done, so I welcome you to subscribe to our Channel And the reason that I asked you to do that as it helps break the stigma that it’s not okay to talk about mental health it allows me to keep doing what I’m doing and It starts up conversation with others letting them know that they can also talk about mental health and be mental health advocates without shame So everyone that has joined me on this journey and continue to stay with me on this journey Whether you agree with everything that I say or not, I appreciate you so much You have been our support system more than you can possibly know who would have known that a community of Strangers around the world would have been the best blessing gift strength and support that this mama that this mama and this family could ask for you have truly truly brought us out of the dark and That’s where I’ve been for a very long time I know that I’m always talking about being the light and keeping your pilot light going and I do believe that I Think you guys have been witnessing some sort of You’ve been watching this mama talk from the dark You’ve been watching me talk from a place that I can’t describe to you in words a Place that scares the hell out of me and that I don’t wish upon anybody I am just coming back online. And as I say that I don’t know what the hell that means But what I can tell you is that there’s memories flooding back good and bad There’s feelings of excitement for foundation work and And Isaiah’s message getting across and our message getting across There’s guilt and fear of wondering if everything that I’ve been doing over this time is been the right thing to do Questioning how many people in our direct lives really support us and what we’re doing? The people that are closest to us how they actually feel and perceive what we’re doing. I Think I’ve been disassociating myself and my feelings for a very long time I Think that I’ve been taking the guilt and the pain of losing Isaiah and Maybe obviously to you guys but not obviously to me was Pouring and directing it into this channel You may have been watching somebody come unraveled Desperately seeking for answers and acceptance Every single day. I have woken up and one of the first things that goes through my mind when I wake up Is what is today? What is today going to bring? And every single morning I am reminded that today is not going to bring my son And that has caused a pain and an anger inside of me It’s left me broken that hasn’t allowed me to grow or heal It has made me angry and bitter and resentful every single morning It has made me want to give up Even though I have a beautiful family left here still Every single morning. I’ve woken up. And the first thing my mind has gone to is what I don’t have What has been taken away from me? What I’ve lost And one day I just desperately wanted change I woke up and I said, I don’t want to be this person anymore And it’s not like a new revelation I mean I’ve been there and that point in my life where you just wake up and you say can I just be different today? Would anybody notice if I wasn’t Rachel anymore? If I just woke up and I was just happy would people be like what the fudge like You can just wake up and just be a completely different person. You’re just gonna let all of that baggage behind It’s like I didn’t allow myself to do that because it didn’t feel right I Can felt weird like I felt like people would judge me. I felt obligated to hold baggage I Still feel obligated like I don’t feel like I should be allowed to be happy. Like I feel like I should have to carry that And I don’t know if it’s my own judgement or the the worry of judgment of others Every single vlog and video I do. I wonder what kind of judgment and what kind of message Am I going to receive and portray? So Instead of looking at where I’m at I’ve been looking at what I’m sending out to others and it’s left me Not knowing who I am And now that I’m finding myself it’s really scary it’s really scary because I don’t recognize the person that I see in the mirror. I don’t recognize my life over this last year. I Think this family lost itself not just me And I think that we didn’t know how to help ourselves And I think that the more abandoned we felt and the more alone we felt the more We pushed others away Me especially So it’s funny that I want to be this change that I so desperately seek in the world But I’m terrified of making that change but yet Here I am promoting other peoples to do it But I’m scared of my own reflection in the mirror. I Want to sit here and make my son proud and Do everything I possibly can to let everyone in the world know how flippin special he was how much he meant to me and Then I struggle with getting this message across because I am a completely broken individual right now Who’s just trying to keep her shit together the best that she possibly can Who’s contemplating and self-doubting every single decision that she makes in life now before? Always Wondering if I’m going insane thinking that maybe I am and maybe partially beem okay with that Just to be able to wake up one morning and not go this is overwhelming But I think that I’m ready for that change And I don’t know if I’m ready for that change because I necessarily feel any better or any different But I believe that I deserve it I believe that Isaiah deserves that and the girls deserve that and Steve deserves that And everybody around me that’s been trying to help me and lift me up deserves that Do you ever get to that point in your life Where you just want to be the best version of yourself You possibly can be and you’re trying so hard and you just want everybody else to see it, too And then you realize that they do It’s you it’s you not allowing yourself to grow it’s you be your own worst critic It’s not it’s you not believing in yourself that’s been me So now I have Big stuff coming big stuff coming and I want to be proud of myself, but I’m scared. I’m scared to be proud of myself I have literally trained myself my whole life to self deprecate When something starts going up I got to beat myself down So this is just this whole emotional I’m ready for change. Let’s just say that I’m ready for change. I want these next few weeks of videos to be Me saying this is change This is light and this is work. This is progress and I Did it. I did it, Isaiah did it. We all did it, this family did it and We did it together not just me But by the strength of strangers and community that have helped lift us up Empowering to say the least So as I come out of my own personal darkness I want to thank everybody again As you have literally watched a very very broken mom Find herself in the complete The absolute worst possible hell you could find herself in And I want to take what I’ve learned from that worst possible hell and do something good with it So as Much as my feelings have been very overwhelmed overwhelmed with coming out of this darkness as This rambling video of emotion will show you that I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going or what’s going on But I do know that I want to be a positive light in this world Not just Because I want to be a positive light but because Isaiah deserves that From me my children deserve that from me. I Steve deserves that from me. We all deserve that from me Alright I’m gonna work on some foundation stuff because I have some videos to pop out that I’m very excited for and they have to Look professional. They can’t be me doing this. You know, they gotta be legit. So Thanks for being on this journey with me I couldn’t have gotten here without you guys and I know that I say This a lot. But thank you. Thank you for being my light. Thank you for being our light Peace love and kindness, please spread it and if you can please be the light for others and If you can’t just keep that pilot light going for yourself You do have Worth and you do have matter and one day. I hope that you’re capable of shining that light through to others



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