What is Gaslighting?  | Kati Morton on mental health | Kati Morton

What is Gaslighting? | Kati Morton on mental health | Kati Morton

Hey, everybody. Thanks for checking back. So today we’re going to talk about gaslighting. What is it? How do we know if it’s happening to us and what can we do to heal afterwards? Firstly, I want to start by defining what gaslighting is. If you haven’t heard that term before it comes from a movie Gaslight that came out a long time ago. Where a guy was manipulative to a woman in order to get some jewels, I think. But either way that’s where that term came from, that’s why we have it today. But what gaslighting is is a form of manipulation. The reason that someone will even gaslight someone else is because they want to manipulate them and make them question their perception, their sanity and even their memory. Sociopaths of Narcissists are known to use gaslighting in ways to get their needs met and you can see why if you want more information on those two diagnoses you can click the links in the description. I’ll put them down there. But the reasons that people who struggle with those different diagnoses use it is because [a] Sociopath will use it to gain something. They will want to control you or change your perception in order to get what they want. If you remember people who are sociopaths can be extremely charming and they can be really friendly and make us want to trust them and so they’ll use that to their advantage and make us question our memory our perception and even our sanity. And Narcissists would you use it in a different type of way where they would use it to make us depend on them So they would make us think that maybe we just have a terrible memory Maybe I’m going crazy. Something is wrong because I swore that happen that way. And therefore we will rely on them to make more choices and do things for us, because we’re just not sure what’s going on with us. And interestingly enough: this is even something that can happen in therapy. And as a therapist we have to be hyper aware of it because when we’re challenging a Client’s faulty thinking. That’s what we call it when the client will have a thought about something about themselves or a memory where it’s just not quite serving them or it’s very negatively focused on them. Or maybe it’s a memory that they’re confusing because it’s a trauma memory. Do you remember when I talked about this with Alexa? Like trauma memories are like marbles that explode like they splinter and they’re fragmented all over the place. Because of that people may have memories that don’t fit into the file that they’re in. Like that part of the memory isn’t a part of the rest of that memory. That belongs over here. And so when we’re working with clients to try to put cohesive narratives together to heal from a trauma or to retell a story we have to be really careful how we go about it. So that we’re not causing them to be gaslighted. We’re not making them wonder if their perception is off or if they have a bad memory or if they’re just going crazy. As a therapist this was really interesting to me, make sure that you’re super cognizant of it and being very careful with how we challenged those faulty thoughts and memories. And the reason that this is so important in therapy is because the whole goal of therapy is to empower our patients and to get them to do things on their own and feel better about themselves. And so that’s just another reason why we need to be really careful. Now moving into how to know if you are being gaslighted and as always I have my notes so I don’t lose track, and I wrote down five. And I’m sure there are more. But these are the most common signs that you are in pretty much an emotionally abusive relationship And they’re being gaslighted and the first is you always second-guess yourself And you can see why that I put that as number one, because if someone’s telling us the way that we remember things, the way things happened is simply not true. We’re definitely going to second-guess ourselves and wonder if what we’re doing, and the choices we’re making and the things that we’re thinking are even correct at all. And if we should be even in a position to make decisions in the first place. And the second way to know that you’re in a gaslighting relationship is that you find yourself excusing their abusive behavior We’ve all seen this and yes as part of the abuse cycle, but if you notice even in your own head thinking: “Well I don’t want anybody to find out because you know, then they’ll think badly of them, and they’re such a nice person” Just be aware because that’s a sign that something bad is happening that you are being abused. And because you trust and love them so much Because you’re being gaslighted you’re wanting to protect them. And the third way to know that you’re in a relationship or gaslighting is happening. Is that you lack self-confidence. You can imagine if someone is telling you that everything you remember and what you thought was going to happen didn’t happen or that you’re crazy, you’re going to slowly start to question yourself and feel bad about yourself. And the fourth is that you struggle to make decisions on your own. You can see how these all tie together because again if we lack confidence, if we’re constantly second guessing ourselves. And someone’s telling us that we’re crazy and remembering things wrong. Then we’re obviously not going to feel like we can make decisions on our own. We’re going to think that we’re not in a safe place or in a sane mind to do so. And the fifth and final way to know: That you often feel like you can’t do anything, right? People who are in these types of relationships are in these types of situations will often just feel like everything they touch everything you remember every event that happens to them is just terrible and that it’s not going the right way, and “oh I can’t do anything, right! I’m the worst!” And you can see how all five of these are very similar because they’re coming out of this place of: Questioning your memory, questioning your perception of situations in the world and maybe even questioning your sanity. But luckily there are ways to overcome it and to heal from these relationships and obviously the first step that I’m gonna ask you to do is to get rid of these people. If someone is telling you that everything you’re remembering, everything you’re doing, your perception of things, your decision-making skills… If they’re like putting you down and talking poorly to you, please get out! I’ll link in the description of my videos about: Emotional abuse as well as physical abuse and I even have a video about boundaries and building self-respect. And so all of those tools and all the information combined I believe should arm you with the strength and understanding to be able to leave those unhealthy and abusive relationships. And the first way to overcome gaslighting, the first tip I’m gonna offer is to seek support. And this can be a friend or a professional, but I would prefer both and here’s why: Number one: I think we should see a professional Because they’re going to be able to help us heal from this abuse Because gaslighting is really part of emotional abuse. They’re putting us down, they’re making us question ourselves. We feel, start to feel we can’t even make decisions on our own. We’re completely dependent upon them. All of those components are emotional abuse and working with a trauma specialist can be really really healing as we try to manage all of the things that happened to us over the time that we were in that relationship. and then the second part of that is I think that we need to have friends support. Because I always encourage my clients when they’re going through something like this to do what I call like fact checking or reality testing. Because if you have a friend who is in that situation or was at that party with you. Or went on that vacation. If you’re questioning your own sanity your own memories, especially as you’re starting to heal it would be great to have a supportive person in your life. You can say: “No you were there too, right, that guy came up and he said this and they went and did this”, and they can affirm or tell you “oh, well that remember, no that was first and then this happened”. They’ll be a great resource for you to do some of that like reality testing as you learn to trust yourself again and heal from the past experiences where you were told that your perceptions were invalid or completely wrong. And the second tip that I’ll offer is to start doing Feelings Charts, I know that some of you may hate those or you haven’t heard me talk about them in the past. But these are lists or charts or circles with feelings on them. Just the words. Feelings: angry, mad, sad, irritable, whatever. It’ll have all these different feelings listed and I’d encourage you to print out a bunch of them and each day circle how you feel, maybe in the morning, in the afternoon and at night. Or maybe just once a day and read through them and say you know I do feel upset today. And I accept it and it’s okay to feel that way. I know this sounds really hokey, but jokey and silly. But when we’ve been put down, when we’ve been told how we feel isn’t valid or what we’re experiencing didn’t really happen. It’s an important part of the process for us to say the feeling word to understand how we feel to even realize how we feel and say we accept it. It can be really healing to do that everyday. And the third tip: Because we’re working on building up our self-confidence is positive self-talk, and I know all my Kinions out there are like “oh my God Katie, if you say that one more time…”. But you’d be surprised how effective it is to just change the way we talk to ourselves. We talk to ourselves all day long in our head, that doesn’t make you crazy, that makes you human. And so changing that conversation to be something more positive, to be confidence-building I would encourage you to try to come up with five things each day. That you’re proud of, that you did well in. Because that will help you start to feel better about yourself, start building up a healthy self confidence. So that you can start to heal from all of the emotional abuse that comes along with gaslighting. The fourth tip: Set boundaries and say No! Say it with me! No! That’s something that I’m working on.
I know I’ve said that in other videos, but it’s hard to say no sometimes when we can feel really pressured to do more and to say yes to more and to not let people down and oh my God if I had a few more hours each day… We can do this to ourselves and so I would encourage you to as you’re starting to recognize those feelings that you have and how upset you may be or how stressful the situation can be. To know that you may need a little more time. To know that you may have to take full days where you’re not on your phone, and you’re not reachable. Whatever it may be. Make sure you know you have my full permission to say no, it’s completely okay! And understanding also if people are trying to cross boundaries again, and it feels awfully familiar like that old relationship we just got out of that you can say no then too! And the fifth and final tip I have is mindfulness Because a lot of what happens in gaslighting is focusing on the other person trying to make them happy, trying to understand their situation, trying to check in with them before we make decisions. A part of healing from gaslighting will be going back inside and listening to yourself. And I think working on those feeling words will come in handy when you’re trying to work on the mindfulness component. And so it takes some time. I honestly think the headspace app is really great, because it’s ten minutes of meditation But even furthermore journaling can help. Even just 10 minutes, 15 minutes, bullet pointing out what happened today. And maybe how you think you might have felt about it. Even if it’s just writing down those feelings words and putting the sentence with them of today. You know upset. Today I did feel upset because so-and-so was rude to me, whatever it is. Practicing that, practicing going inside, checking in with ourselves, feeling how we’re feeling and knowing it’s okay can be extremely healing and also build up our confidence. So all these five tips kind of culminate to help us heal from the gaslighting. And I hope you found this helpful! This was one of the things that you recommended on my YouNow livestream. So leave in the comments are there other tips and tools and ways that you found yourself coming out of unhealthy relationships like this and healing. I would love for you to share in the comments. And if you’re new to my channel, click here to subscribe, I put out videos on Mondays and Thursdays! And you don’t want to miss them! And click over here for more about these sorts of topics, and I will see you next time. Bye!



  • Kati Morton

    Has this happened to you? Share your story in the comments.

  • roxxyfoxify

    My ex did this to me, but I think he was unaware. Funnily enough, he used to tell me how his mom’s exboyfriend used to gaslight her. He made me question if I was in the wrong all the time. He’d disregard me totally and do whatever he wanted, never bothering to communicate. When I’d get upset, he’d accuse me of being smothering and unfair. It really started to mess with me. Thankfully he finally did enough to the point where I just ended the relationship.

  • AudieJane

    My mom unintentionally gaslights me. I take care of her affairs due to her disability and i "never do anything right" and I am "hateful because you never talk to your father, and you want to ruin my life" her words. As someone who has given up everything to make sure she doesn't end up homeless, this makes me feel like a failure in every aspect of my life. My mom was recently diagnosed with vascular dementia and her doctor is about to diagnose her with borderline personality disorder. She lives in a nursing home because her care is beyond me or home health, and she goes in for a neuropsych evaluation soon. Her doctor told me it would be healthier for me to just walk away and that I don't have to be in her life and I don't need to consent to her behavior. If the neuropsych determines she needs a guardian or conservator, then I told the doctor I will give up my power of attorney. Ive called the suicide hotline because of the things my mom has said to me. I find it very difficult to recognize it's the disease talking not her.


    omg this is my brother and my mom totally "protects" him and tries to come up with excuses for him lol

  • Love Law

    My parents used to abuse me as a child and then used gaslighting to keep me from reporting them or telling anyone – or maybe they just wanted to convince themselves they weren't the bad guys. Anyway if I told them for example that a specific thing they said or did really hurt me they would deny ever saying it and get really angry. This type of behavior is destructive to a child. I remember questioning my own sanity and memory. It's horrible.

  • Gaby M

    Oh jeez… the more I learn about my sister and her malignant narcissism and how it affected me growing up… all the pieces are coming together.

  • i love pink roses

    I feel this way all the time. Every single one of those things is what I felt in my past relationship, it's different than having different opinion, because it wasn't that. He said facts and mine were wrong. My hurt, tears, etc was wrong. I'm healing and out but still doubt everything. Thank you for your videos! It helps, it truly helps. I don't have confidence to go to a therapist.

  • Rob Garcia

    Yes it has, my wife tries to change what she did years past, saying it just didn't happen. She tries to make me think that im crazy, it just hurt to much to be able to forget exactly how things really happened. If anything I feel sorry for her because what she did was so terrible that even she tries to change it in her mind. Wish I could just leave and put this 26 year marriage to an end, something stops me I dont what it is morality, principal, religion, dont know. Any comments welcomed.

  • Tea in the Moment

    My toxic and abusive family told me I had a bad memory from the time I was a teenager until the time I went No Contact with them. No one else BUT my family ever told me my memory was bad in either my professional or personal life!!!

  • Cj Kucharczyk

    My dad gaslights me everytime we talk

  • Jodi H

    My narcissist mom was awesome at gas lighting. When I learned this was a thing I was like I knew I wasn’t crazy. I was so mad.

  • Astrid Morales

    100% described my marriage…and I'm currently in the process of divorce. Thank the Lord im of strong mind and soul and am moving past it.

  • Mary Kincaid

    I get this at home and by a co-worker…..

  • Agne Martinkute

    My mom is a narcissist, so I question everything in my life…

  • Renee Chen

    No!!!! :>

  • NatureShorts

    I would encourage everyone to take gaslighting very seriously and not throw the term around lightly. I've seen this word used far more than it should be. Two people having different opinions, perspectives, or even recollections about something is not gaslighting. Gaslighting has to have the motivation of manipulation behind it and is ultimately about making the other person question/doubt his or her sanity. Remember the origin of the word is from a movie in which a man would literally move things around the house for the sole purpose of making he his wife go insane. That is far more extreme than many of the things I've seen and heard people apply this word to.

  • Lady Uwaki

    Is it at all possible a third party can be gaslighting you to believe that someone else is doing the gaslighting? Also how do you know if you are the one doing the gaslighting?

  • Sarah Shaw

    Kati I just want to say I’m grateful that I found your channel and this video about gaslighting resonates so much with me. At 30 I became physically disabled and one of the things about having a disability is that people interpret physical frailties as mental defects or weaknesses. I have had to put up with even systematized gas-lighting by police and doctors and social workers. Your videos are helping me recognize that I’m smarter and stronger than I knew. I have been able to prevent people crossing my boundaries and I kicked an entire toxic family out of my life after my divorce. I’m never putting up with emotional abuse again and every time I watch and listen to one of your videos I learn some new things to help.

    Thanks so much for what you’re doing. It’s a huge help. Don’t get me wrong I love therapy but it’s very expensive and sometimes we get stuck with a bad therapist. I just fired one who was doing all the no-no’s you described in another video about how to recognize you have a bad therapist. This is all hugely valuable to me and others!

    Please keep up the amazing work.

    Sally in Thornhill Ontario

  • G. Ben

    I dont know what my bf is. Its scaring me

  • Centre Demon

    Im watching this alone in my apartment and a "holy f*ck!" just shot out of my mouth because you are describing my in my previous relationship. I knew it was bad and likely even abusive in a way, but I was still surprised when you were talking about defending their behaviour and thinking things like "I don't want anybody to find out because then they'll think badly of them and they're such a nice person…" That's something I've said so many times. I"m still holding in terrible things because all of my coworkers are friends of hers (since she got me the job their). Even though she's gone I don't talk about her because I don't want to damage her friendship with them. But damn, this video is really cutting through some fog. I'll have to come back to this again soon. Thank you!!!!

  • Augustina KIstner

    Thank you for your videos. You are very easy to understand and listen to. I am not in a position to receive help because of financial issues, but with self reflection and inner dialogue I am able to get through some of your videos feeling like I have taken away some very useful tools.

  • Clifford Naron

    I was gas lighted by every one I know.I feel I have lost everyone I was close too.I will make it with out them.I found out how evil someone can be.Family and friends.I at the age of 64 will live for me and to hell with there evil.

  • Kaz 78

    Thankyou Katie ……. just for always being here ❤️

  • WisdomSeeker

    I remember I think my mother used to tell me I was a monster when I acted badly. When I told my brothers and my mother they all told me I was making that up and that I was making a drama. I biggest secret when I was a child 5-7 years old was that I was a bad girl at home and a good girl at school. One day my uncle came at home without me knowing and he heard me having an argument with my mother, and I hid in the bathroom, I was really young. My mother came to me and said that it was okay and reassured me, but I still thought I was a bad girl.
    I was a really good child btw.
    I remember I don't know how long it was but my mother came to pick me up at school and I sat in the back of the car and she talked with a friend in the car and it felt like an hour or two. Her friend looked at me and said ''waw she's really patient she doesn't even complain''. I felt really proud and better than other children.

  • Matthew Corn

    "Just trust wifey."
    She always said that. She always wanted me to go by what she told me.
    "I love you."
    But the actions didn't match. If you love me, why does it feel like you hate me? Why do I feel like nothing more than an accessory to your life, unworthy of having opinions unless they're shared by you already?
    "I love you."
    Why, then, are you constantly exposing me to things you know trigger me? Why do you refuse to talk to me about this life we 'share'?
    I'm taking ownership of myself this year. Just 3 weeks away from her, and therapy is helping so much more. It's harder than ever, but I'm no longer uncertain about reality. No longer fighting ghosts. No longer trying to deal with your amateur extra diagnosis of my condition. I'll trust my therapist and doctor and my own eyes and ears from now on. I'm me, and I'm mine. No one else's.

  • theblondetrap5

    My husband has done this for years and I have just realised. I have become a shell of a human being, stupidly cannot walk away from the marriage even though I know it's the only way to move forward and live again. I wouldn't wish this gaslighting thing on my worst enemy.

  • Elicia Garcia

    This was happening to me but I didn’t know about gaslighting, manipulation, or what an abusive relationship was. It’s so freeing once you get it. When you aren’t educated on what this is and you don’t really get it, then of course you get baited. It’s a HORRIBLE mind game because they are pretending that they’re coming from a loving place and they’re trying to make you feel like you’re crazy and wrong to get their way instead of actually caring about how you feel and what you need. It’s like those people who hunt rabbits by petting them so that the rabbit will be still and less difficult and won’t try to run away.

  • Taylor Barnett

    I’m not even in this kind of relationship anymore but this is just my personality now because this was my mom.

  • Bigolbitch

    I’ve been gaslight by an ex girlfriend, every time we would argue she would say that it didn’t happen and she told me to trust her memory more than mine because I’m known for having a bad memory. One time she said something that really hurt my feelings and when I brought it up just minutes afterwards she said she would never do that and that i just heard her wrong.

  • Tammy James

    wow! my daughter does this to me all the time. what a eye opener.

  • David77646

    Grow New Zealand Management (A supposed Mental health support group run by its own members ) uses Gaslighting . I have been sworn at, belittled mocked and ridiculed, so will you if you attend a Grow meeting in Auckland. Your safety both emotional and physical can’t be guaranteed. I have been called a predator, sexual harasser and paedophile amongst other things. Someone from Grow rang my work anonymously to say as much. I was verbally trespassed from Grow by the accountant who had no authority to do so, he is an employee, not a Grow member or officially on any type of Management team. All this was done without a shred of evidence or fact, that I had done anything wrong.
    I had three to four independent witnesses who observed this behaviour and name calling and attempted to intervene, to no avail. The Management team closes ranks and denies what happens until you doubt yourself.
    There was absolutely no truth behind any accusations against me, it was simply to destroy and humiliate me until my situation in Grow became intolerable and untenable. I felt suicidal for the first time in a very long time with some of the more extreme accusations, I have felt depressed since, more so when promised investigations into who called me these offensive names was not actioned. Rather than helping me, made me fell far worse. Thanks for nothing. Over forty people attended Auckland's St Lukes group from February 2018 to November 2018. Thirty-one of these people upon follow up advised they would not be becoming back to a meeting because they felt unsafe. This was reported to Management and nothing was done. When one person was about to lodge a complaint with the Health and Disability Commissioner, it was requested by the Management team that it be withdrawn, as the matter would be handled internally. It has been 12 weeks (At time of writing) and nothing has been done other than to the person (complained against) being suspended for a fortnight (called stress leave) but it does not address the underlying problems. This type of behaviour has lead to the withdrawal of Government funding via District Health Boards but it continues to limp on
    with approximately 60 people attending eight sub groups New Zealand wide.

  • sticmatic

    Thanks for the Video 👴 Just wanna add, in risc of being a smartass: Narcissism is NOT a diagnosis. A personality disorder is. Everybody is (and should be) a narcissist – as well as we should be altruists. I hope those statements do not accidently gaslight anything. Btw I always thought it was a weird sex practice that has to do with methane.

  • Unique Mitchell

    Kati Morton I would just like you to know I appreciate you so much. I am 27 and just started facing my emotional and mental past traumas. And your videos have been then start of my healing process. One of the main things people need in these situations. Are people to help them become aware of what is happening. Before watching your videos I didn't even know the terminology. Or realize that so many things were a form of abuse until watching your videos. Thank you so much for choosing to spend your time to help, educate and heal. ❤️

  • Cudgy Merci

    I know my best friend is Gaslighting me…but is she doing it on purpose or on accident…

  • Cudgy Merci

    This is helping me alot..

  • Something You Said

    You provided me with a clear and well rounded explanation of a concept that I had not even heard of before. Thank you for that.

  • Alejandro Hernández

    My previous boyfriend was gaslighting me for almost 5 years, it’s difficult to accept that the other person is doing it to you because you think they love you, but, in my case, I asked him to take every single decision. I’m already out of that relationship and took me years to change my way of thinking, but once in a while I notice I start doing the same mistake. My friends, family and actual partner help me identify those situations so I can choose what I want.

  • Destiny DiMattei

    When I listened to this I discovered that I am might have been gaslighted. I can’t remember exact instances but the symptoms match what I went through completely. The times when I was emotionally abused is when I lived with my friend and her boyfriend. The three of us had an apartment together and she also had children. When you said one example is making excuses for the person it made me think of how I made excuses for my best friend and put all the blame on her boyfriend when a lot of it was because of him but my family so that part of it came from her as well. I still have trouble coping with that but I am trying to MoveOn. I am away from them now.

  • Karina Passi

    My now ex was gaslighting so bad, he couldn't hear himself doing it! He was sure I was wrong, so I said let's prove it and record our conversations!…Like a dog with a tail between his legs… I was out of that relationship shortly after this event. He's narcissist, I'm seeing a therapist and was becoming more empowered, I saw him for who he was and I was discarded for his co-worker/rebound/wife(3 months after breakup he proposed, 3 months after that married) as his next supply. His best friend was a roommate for a short time and was a witness, so he completely understood the breakup.

  • me me

    U r so cute when u say no

  • Victoria Grace

    Saying no. Omg. I say no to establish a boundary and my parents immediately get called and pulled in on knowing I said no to my sister. Sister then gets my mom to help her, which is upsetting bc my mom has enough going on. Cycling. This happens over and over and over. Dad calls to see if I really had to say no or not.

  • Koneko Yagami

    Why are all the gaslighting youtube videos explained in the context of a relationship? My co-worker is the gaslighter.

  • Agnes Jeffery

    Is it still gaslighting if someone tells you how you feel or what you think? Like, if you say "I feel this way" and someone else says, "No you feel another way," or if you say, "I think this" and someone else says, "No, you think this other thing." For example, if a parent tells a child they are lying.

  • Erzsébet Zsuzsanna Bükkös

    Hello Kati! This is a very useful video with very useful advices! I'm 33 and still cannot rid of my abusive family members! Of course I tried. My case is very difficult.

  • Victoria Beal

    My mom would get upset and start telling me that the memories of her abuse were fake. And that I have a terrible memory, or that I’m a liar and that It never happened

  • Karl Projektorinski

    Is it a form of gaslighting when you express your concerns about it to your abuser, and they convince you that you are the one abusing and gaslighting? All of these symptoms resonate with me from my last relationship, but also I'm concerned that I've been the manipulative one. That's also something my ex would do, is turn things around on me especially when I was the one with concerns, by the end of the conversation I'd feel terrible for bringing anything up. He'd say I was always nitpicking and finding his flaws.

  • Martina M

    Yeah I think my father is a narcisist. He was emotionally abusive towards me my whole life(he'd call me an idiot , said I destroyed everything I touched, he once called me the great big mistake of his life) and even molested me once in my late teens-while my mother was in the room (he was drunk). He was what would be called a high functioning alcoolic, as well. Since I moved out(in my late 20s),I am trying to cut contact with him but am being guilt-tripped into maintaing a relationship with him by my mother who is manipulating me
    by guilt – tripping. It is very hard for me because i have nobody else around – no close friends, no romantic relationship, no other family close, and my parents are in their 60s, so they paint a picture of me being the bad daughter who doesnt care about the aging parents anymore and is selfish. They are not all bad and do have qualities, but they are heavily buried under piles of shitty personality traits.

  • Valhalla

    In my past relationship, I could never be right. The most I got (and I only got that, when I referred to actual scientific studies etc.) was: "oh well I guess I'd have to do more research, but I don't find this subject to be so interesting anyway." I NEVER heard, that I was correct. NEVER. I recently broke up and am looking for a new apartment but even this short amount of time without him has really boosted my confidence.

  • Bash Yre

    I think ive chosen at one point in my childhood that there was no point thinking or memorizing things, coz ihad been getting feedback that ive been doing it wrong.

    Now i suck at analitical thinking and memorizing. Im more active with the right hemisphere in creative and daydreaming way

  • Matthew Logan

    Check out gang stalking

  • Will Neverforgets

    That was my life… I got rid of them, I only found out later that it was the correct course of action!

  • San Ya

    When I need comforting, I come to your YouTube page and watch your videos. It makes me feel better, every time. Thank you Kati

  • Cali Nana

    Katie, Just found this channel and must say you’re amazingly relatable. Never ever been to or watched a therapist of your knowledge or level that was so on point without being clinical and insulting. My second and last therapy appointment was with a woman that was apparently not of this planet and would speak down to patients in a very monotone manner.
    Your pieces have been very educational, eye opening, light hearted at times and always comforting even validating several things that I need to work on personally as to myself and my relationships.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you👍🏻🥳👍🏻

  • Corrie Van Oostrum

    Thank you so much for making this video!!!

  • pink custard

    What if someone gaslights you whenever you bring up something they did you hurt you, but otherwise you get on well and they are nice to you?

  • Allison’slibraryknook

    This is my dad. I’m still living with my parents and it’s been horrific. Hoping to move out soon. Y’all aren’t alone. ❤️

  • Alex Kibou

    Very good! Thank you. I was bound for six years in an emotionally abusive relationship. There was gaslighting, the pity game, and much more. Your videos made me understand a lot of what happened. I felt pity for them even after their true character became clear. A very dark and destructive time in my life.

  • Girl George

    I love the analogy of trauma as a splintered marble. So true; the shards go everywhere and it sucks.

  • Maria Gonzalez

    What if this person is your mother?

  • TM L

    My dad drove my mom crazy this way.

  • TheReel Nick

    my BS narcicist father

  • Lyna K

    are they this way with everyone or they choose the person they want to manipulate ??

  • Tel Trumbley

    I just left my ex who I'm positive is a low to mid functioning bpd. But I really believe she didnt try to hurt me, she just wanted me to stay. But how do I know if im right or just making excuses for her part in the problem?

  • Death N0va

    This is false and never happened. You're crazy!

  • Leah M Ryan

    This was a huge part of my upbringing. Before a lot of healing I had all of those symptoms.

  • Megan Nicole

    Gaslighting, from my experience, is when you try to communicate concerns and he says something along the lines of, "You're just being anxious. That's not real or rational. I know I didn't do that. What you think is your own fault." I literally developed a situational anxiety disorder (GAD) because of my last relationship. I made it out, and I'm thankful for what I've learned, but it was tough as hell.

  • L KS

    Biggest gaslighting triumphs of the century: gender is a social construct, Islam is a religion of peace, there is no population replacement agenda in Europe…

  • Robert all. Dawson

    I'm being gaslighted by management at the senior apartment complex that I live in, so I retaliate by going anti social on all of the functions around on the campus.

  • Falak Shah

    U r amazing, I wanted to go to a therapist but I can't afford it n now I'm totally confused about Wt to do.

  • Adorable Nurse :3

    “we never hit you, if we did you were a bad child”
    “we’ve never called you stupid stop making up stories!”
    ……thank you parents……

  • Motive Beatz

    Why do people lol at people who been abused

  • Ashley W

    What if you are married to them and have kids😬?

  • Michele G

    I was gaslighted in every romantic relationship I’ve had with a man. 🧐 I’m finally making a fresh start to understand myself so my next one will be healthy for me and him🙃

  • gold heart miner

    My mother does this to me because she has always hated me.

  • PrincessWithInnerBeauty

    I also noticed you never mentioned Narcissistic abuse in your book, either.

  • hypothesised

    9:22 Saying ‘no’ might have been the most important tip my teacher gave me when I was seriously struggling a few years ago. It made me realise that I couldn’t (still can’t) please everyone and the only thing overcommitment does is ruin me emotionally. Thanks for including this, Kati :”)

  • Will Neverforgets

    Yeas, the gaslighting… It's really evil, and has long lasting effects on the victims.

  • Joyce Pierce

    God bless you

  • Joyce Pierce

    90% of my Life it has been done by one person or another. It's happening even as I type.

  • Tom Palmer

    I've made a life out of second guessing myself. I am a skeptic, and I question my own assumptions the most. I'm starting to wonder if the ancient Greek and Roman skeptic philosophers had some kind of treatment when they were raised that lead them to think the way they did. "Nothing is certain, not even that." I guess I went off on a tangent. Sorry.

  • * Vanadium *

    I had a situation in which someone manipulated me and I honestly feel really shitty about it. I'm angry that I didn't know how to stand up for myself, she still is really rude and says that i did things to her and she has come up with reasons to be the worst. She would constantly boss me around and control me, she would tell me that I had to speak up in the moment or else it didn't matter. I excused her disgusting behavior for a long time and I'm so angry she keeps getting away from consequences.i want the confidence to take her down but she's in so many aspects of my life.

  • Let's feel Excellent

    Is this the behavior where the person gossips about all the horrible stuff that OTHER people do or they put you down in order to get you to do more of what benefits them?

  • Charlotte Shoemaker

    As I go through a divorce and protection order I am finding I was in a gas lighting relationship…I have blocked some things , I know things happened and parts are missing and all you said has happen to me..it isn't easy after you leave that relationship to get out these thoughts .

  • Paula Moen

    You said in your video that you should get that person out of your life. What if that person is your mother?

  • Doyouunderstand87

    I don’t know what the deal is with this. This makes me even more confused. I was in a relationship with somebody who went to jail for beating my head against the floor and punching me relentlessly , Showing your fingers down my throat and choking me, knowing that I had recently been forced to give oral sex to a mutual acquaintance of ours. This person will always accuse me of “gaslighting“ after yelling at me for saying things that I did not say, or at least I have no memory of saying
    When the police came they said that I was going to jail because my ex was white and I am not. I have no idea what to even believe anymore. I feel like we both report the same thing, and there’s nothing I can do to be seen as “valid” this person have been diagnosed withBPD (how I found this channel , looking for info in understanding after endless , confusing confrontations “
    I have no idea what to believe anymore and I feel like the more I look the psychology to understand, the more upset I get. I’m literally pulling my hair out right now because I just want to understand and all I can find on “gaslighting” is just basically summed up as people having different interpretations of an event. Who is valid? How the hell can I not? I recorded some conversations with that because it felt sneaky and in fair, and there’s no way to barely contextualize things. I have no idea what to do and I don’t trust people like the psychologist because you guys how people descriptions of the stuff the only pathology and creates hatred and confusion . Maybe I am a sociopath I just like seeing people hurt, but I have absolutely no understanding of it, my partner like that. I don’t think I ever set the things that they insisted that I was saying, meant to imply or insults that they would twist my words I have said and then start screaming at me you’re throwing things at me.

    Did my constant physical and emotional abuse that I have a literally no memory of driving to do this to me, and if that’s the case fuck it I’ll kill myself where they in a state of psychosis not interpreting situations accurately or rationally ? Nothing on the Internet can help me. Big. I’d like to believe that we’re just both good people who have emotional times, but whatever you say stuff like “gaslighting is what people do to manipulate and abuse, since my ex was the person who knew this freeze so much, I guess that means they were doing it. I was never able to disagree without being accused of this even if I said something of timing of their feelings were disagreeing of the fact it makes no sense to me and I just want to die

  • 77tubuck

    Except a crazy women will think everyone is gaslighting her. Some women need to question their perception and sanity.

  • starsdaisuki

    My former bosses would always gaslight me. This lead to so many panic attacks and depression. Thank you for making this video to know everyone is worth so much more then this….

  • Ashley Romaka

    My ex best friend used to gaslight me into thinking that I couldn’t live without him. Like it got to a point where I was so codependent when he went on vacation for a week and I had panic attacks and I don’t suffer from anxiety.

  • Sense TV

    I tried to set a boundary with my psycho dad but it didn't work, good thing is he knows now that I don't like whst he's doing so it should die down.

  • patrick jensen

    Finding info on gaslighting was helpful.

  • patrick jensen

    What about stalking therapy

  • Tee

    My ex

  • Mark Oliver

    I am relentlessly gaslighted by feminists that try to trick me into thinking I am feminine. I am not feminine but apparently, the agenda of feminists is to destroy the positive self-image of men.

  • Katie E

    I had a friend from freshman year of college to halfway through sophomore year, and it was so hard for me to realize she was manipulative, but she was. She made people feel sorry for her, and would say she was feeling tired or depressed just to get out of something or to make people feel bad and want to stay with her. She came from a very good family, her parents have been nothing but kind to me, but she was always very rude to her mother and never showed her mother appreciation or thanked her for the sacrifices her mom has made for her. When her friend from high school and I were looking for apartments in the winter of this past year, she tagged along because the three of us had planned on living together. However, she kind of made us feel bad because she said she couldn't afford the place we were looking at and she wanted us to look for a place that was really not in a good area just to accommodate her. The other girl and I felt unsafe and just overall not very good about the place our "friend" had picked out and when we brought this to her attention, she got upset. We tried finding her resources like jobs on campus, we even looked at cheaper places to accommodate her needs, and she said that if she lived with us, whatever she didn't pay for she was not going to use. She manipulated us into thinking she was really struggling and that her parents had forced her to pay her own rent when in reality they were going to help her out. I don't know if this is relates to what you're talking about as I am not an expert in psychology, but she certainly had done some things that make her seem like a narcissist.

  • Rachael Manto

    What about when people won't help you reality test because they "don't want to take sides"? I've had it so many times where someone is saying my feelings are invalid and others say "oh well they just have a different point of view. I don't want to get involved".

  • Calming Asmr

    How would I go about betrayal? Or feelings of attachment . ?
    Thank you!!

  • Katie Richley

    Kati – I have bpd. How do I know if I am being gaslighted, or if this is my bpd? I never seem to remember anything correctly, constantly feeling like I need to record literally everything. I don’t know what to do.

  • TheTerriblePumpkin

    I gaslight MYSELF. I tell myself maybe I did something wrong because I never wanted to blame people. I also have memory issues so I don't want to make the mistake of accusing someone when they might've done nothing. It probably stems from my low self confidence or my need to avoid confrontations so I just take the fall. That's probably really toxic for me. I'm trying to be aware of it and working to build up my self confidence but it feels like an uphill battle that I can't seem to win

  • Ntchwaidumela He who greets with fire

    Classic witchcraft is all it is.

  • M H

    Borderlines can gaslight too. Not maliciously, but do so in order to get their needs met. So they redirect and point out your faults to avoid discussing their own.

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